After the passing of his dear older brother, Jacob stood before the people of Nephi with an earnest interest in “consoling and healing” them through the “pleasing word of God; yea, the word which healeth the wounded soul” (Jacob 2).
Even while doing just that, Jacob also admitted feeling “weighed down with much desire and anxiety” for his people’s welfare – to the point that he felt constrained to share other things he acknowledged would likely “enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded.”
In particular, Jacob knew that his cautionary words about sexual boundaries being crossed among his people would be painful for some listening, which made his deeply-felt obligation to speak personally painful as well:
Wherefore, it burdeneth my soul that I should be constrained, because of the strict commandment which I have received from God, to admonish you according to your crimes, to enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds. (Jacob 2)
I believe the prophets in our day feel a similar pain, especially when teaching about issues they know are sensitive, and deeply personal. But like Jacob of old, they feel “constrained” to speak what God puts on their hearts – recognizing that whatever pain some might feel in their words, they are necessary to address a deeper woundedness that exists independent of their words.
Wounded America. There are enough wounds to go around in America today – of all kinds, and in all directions. Even more pervasive and life-threatening than physical wounds are those tearing at hearts, and minds – spirits and souls. In particular, lots of people feeling wounded when it comes to questions of sexuality today. The pain is real, often overwhelming, and sometimes even lethal.
So we are right – all of us – to bring attention to how to minister to those hurting and do whatever we can to “heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). That is the ministry of Christ and His followers, as described by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland last year:
Jesus is asking us to be instruments of His grace—to be “ambassadors for Christ” in “the ministry of reconciliation,” as Paul described it to the Corinthians. The Healer of every wound, He who rights every wrong, asks us to labor with Him in the daunting task of peacemaking in a world that won’t find it any other way.
That is how we try to act as followers of Christ. I believe that many people who disagree with the orthodox teachings of faith communities like our own are also seeking to minister with tenderness and compassion. I don’t doubt the earnestness and sincerity of their love – as critics have consistently seemed compelled to do with our own.
It’s out of this same love that I also understand many feel compelled to advocate and fight for people they see as not only pained by the teachings of latter-day prophets, but significantly harmed.
Truth sometimes hurts…but this bad? It’s become popular to speak of Jesus as someone who went about mostly trying to make people feel good – aka, “what Jesus cared about more than anything was making sure people felt loved.” The implication often seems to be that if you make someone upset or offended by your words, you must not be following Jesus.
Obviously, this popular sentiment ignores numerous instances where Christ Himself – the Lamb of God – spoke words that were painful, offensive, difficult, and “hard to accept” (John 6:60). It seems clear from the scriptural text that it was not uncommon for those listening to Jesus to feel pained, and even enraged by His message.
But it’s more than this kind of discomfort and pain that critics insist comes from prophetic teaching today. In the broader conversation about sexuality, it’s now become common to hear claims of deep existential harm and even suicidality coming as a direct result of orthodox religious teachings.
It’s hard to imagine a more serious and sobering accusation than this. (Imagine someone accusing you of causing someone’s death by suicide!) And yet, insinuations and explicit claims like this show up all the time online – as if it were a widely-accepted and obvious conclusion – e.g., “Elder ____ just spoke in conference and said gender is eternal. Here is the suicide hotline, friends.”
One friend told me in response, “There is something not just wrong, but appalling, about those kinds of statements.”
I agree. But I don’t believe that those making these comments fully appreciate why many of us see these accusations as so profoundly misguided and damaging. One reason for the misunderstanding is how complex the whole question can be. For instance, if God’s truth often does feel legitimately painful, as Jacob himself acknowledged, how are we to differentiate that from the suicide-inducing pain we are now being accused of widely promoting?
To those critics (and the members they continue to influence), I write the following, praying that my words might be received in the spirit I intend them.
Two propositions. I would like to two make two simple propositions, followed by a simple illustration of these claims in actual practice.
First, the way critics talk about and write about the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is fundamentally different than how leaders and active members speak, talk and write – to such an extent that they are simply not the same thing.
Secondly, the influence of the collective writing, teaching and speaking of critics about us, about God, about identity, and about sexuality is far more despair-generating and profoundly upsetting than virtually anything people hear from leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Now, the illustration: starting with my own best attempt to articulate how our faith community most often speaks, talks and writes about sensitive questions of sexuality:
1. One of the most precious truths of all is this: You are a son or daughter of God – not metaphorically, not poetically…but literally – to the core of your immortal spirit. As such, you are of infinite worth – and have every potential inside to become like our beloved Heavenly Parents.
2. During your experience in this fallen world, you will face more confusions, struggles and challenges than you can possibly imagine – including in the area of sexuality. But you can still find joy and peace as you stay on the covenant path and do your best to follow the counsel of the Lord’s prophets.
3. You don’t have to do this alone! In addition to the loving ministry of the Savior, you have trustworthy family members, friends and leaders – all of whom you can depend on as companions on your journey home.
Putting yourself in the shoes of a member of the Church of Jesus Christ with questions about sexuality (teenager or adult, man or woman), what kinds of emotions are generated for those brothers and sisters as they hear these kinds of things in general conference, or church, or seminary/institute?
Now, compare that emotional impact with those arising from the following three teachings:
1. Whatever else you used to believe about yourself, you now know the truth: You are gay. This is fundamental to your identity as a human being now, and into the eternal future – and more important than other identities you may have previously held to be precious (which you may have to leave behind if you want to be happy).
2. Because this is who you are, your happiness and well-being are dependent on allowing this internal orientation to dictate major life decisions – even if it takes you away from people, promises and possibilities you previously held to be precious. Anyone who suggests otherwise is displaying narrow (“heteronormative”) standards that are certain to be damaging to your future happiness.
3. Those leaders and parents who have taught you differently are profoundly misinformed. They don’t get you, and they may not even love you. Although you could still go to Church, you’d be signing up for a life of chronic loneliness, heartache and pain. Let’s be honest: There isn’t really a place for you there.
Now imagine, once again, a teenager or adult, man or woman, with questions about sexuality (active in the Church, to this point) and hearing these messages. Tell me honestly: What kinds of emotions do these teachings generate for these brothers and sisters?
From a mental health perspective, some of the darkest, and most toxic emotions are heavy resentment, and despair. Whose teachings and doctrine are incubating these dangerous emotions the most? Prophetic reminders of eternal possibilities – or accusing insistence that there is no place for you there?
Whose teachings are destabilizing faith and removing people from that which used to be precious and meaning-giving?
Two roads diverge in a yellow wood. And more people with questions about sexuality are choosing the latter path outlined above. Given this, can those, our critics, see how confusing it can be to see people we love following and living out the teachings of critics (coming out, separating themselves from us, pursuing another life), and then when these same individuals feel despair, even to the point of suicidality, to have the finger pointed back at us?
Last week, a man who used to be a brother (and still remains a friend) wrote me, “The damage the words of God’s servants have done is inestimable and horrific…there is a tremendous blood debt on the shoulders of the church.” 
To this man (and those who believe as he does), I write in response: As you might expect, I see you as having it exactly upside down. Our message is one of redemption, relief from bondage, rebirth, and the sweet joy that comes from the atonement of His beloved son – for everyone…no matter what they feel or face.
This is a message so many of you used to believe, relish and share with others as witnesses yourselves. So, it will not surprise you to hear me argue that it is not from the teachings of the Lord’s prophets that people find crushing despair or heartache – but in a world urging, pushing, and seducing them into a betrayal of the same. This is the gaping source of despair, heartache, angst, suspicion, and endless resentment in those most vulnerable.
If people want redemption, relief, peace in this life – and eternal life in the world to come – we offer that as a church and people. We do! The peace you and they can find in the covenant path is as wide as eternity – and available for all. Let’s be clear about who is cutting people off from that – and who is pleading and working to bring more people to that in the world today.
For the many who continue disagreeing sharply with this, I pray the blindness of anger will not cloud their vision forever – and that they may one day see the truth, sooner than later. That’s why I write this! Not to cause additional pain, or enlarge existing wounds….but exactly the reverse.
May that true healing come to us all.
I believe we can disagree sharply on lots of important stuff, without insisting on each other’s malevolence, evil, or stupidity. I’ve written for years about ways we can cultivate this in our relationships, and wrote a book with a gay-identifying Christian man called, A Third Space: Proposing Another Way Forward in the LGBT/Religious Conservative Impasse (Disagreement Practice, Treasonous Friendship & Trustworthy Rivalry in the Face of Irreconcilable Difference).
 Often when describing Latter-day Saint teaching, critics selectively reference obscure, exceptional references in old texts – or a passing comment from a Bishop…in a way that conveys an especially heavy, and harsh (inaccurate!) spirit of our overall message. I would argue that the following more accurately reflects the true and consistent spirit of what we teach.
 Compared to simply how someone feels, this is about how someone believes, thinks and responds to certain feelings (all of which, yes, are clearly choices).
 I do believe this whole conversation touches on the very rawest of nerves in an already deeply sensitive, painful, and personal conversation between the LGBT and religious conservative communities. The intensity of disagreement – and the stakes involved – are stunning. I stand all amazed at the pain and fear and anger involved.