October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

family mother with child 7I wrote this post on my personal blog last year for October 15th, which Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I’m sharing it here, with the hope that it can give comfort to someone, as I feel particularly burdened today for various reasons.


Some years I remember October 15th and some years I don’t.

This year, I think, things have not been particularly hard when I’ve remembered our babies that we lost to miscarriages, but I have thought a lot about the fact that they would have been 8 years old. And for Mormons, age 8 is significant, because that’s when we are baptized into our church. I’ve been thinking about those baptisms that will not happen. Not in a sad way, but with a hint of longing is all.

I remember the fall of 2005 and the winter of 2006 without much fondness. I was unexpectedly plunged into a very deep and lasting sadness because of miscarriage. I just felt totally broadsided by my circumstance. betrayed by my body, and wholly unprepared for how to handle it. It took me almost year for that fog to lift and to feel like myself again.

There were days when I could not face people because I knew I would just dissolve into tears. I didn’t want people to ask me how I was, because I certainly was not “FINE” at all. But I didn’t even know how to deal with the depth of emotions and feelings that I found myself in. I wanted help, but I didn’t even know how to ask for it.

Perhaps that was the lesson for me. Going thru pregnancy loss certainly helped me to understand empathy and compassion in ways I never thought possible, and how to reach out to women in need. It also helped me to understand the indescribable joy that children are. In the spring of 2008 when I was expecting Sweet Baby James, I did not let myself be happy for the first 6 weeks of the pregnancy, not until I heard the comforting whir of a fetal heartbeat on an ultra sound. That was a very blessed and miraculous day.

So, almost 9 years later, what have I been thinking about in relation to pregnancy loss and what it taught me?

Pregnancy loss collageFirst, there are still women who suffer alone when they lose a child. My heart goes to them. I wish I could find all of them, and sit and comfort them — because you are not alone. There are many women who perfectly understand what you are going thru. Pray to find them.

Second, despite the associated sorrow of losing a child, we still have the amazing ability to heal and be made whole thru the grace of Jesus Christ. He truly is a sun and shield (see Psalms 84:11). Days will get better, I promise.

Third, I think losing my first pregnancies made me appreciate my subsequent ones, even with all of the associate complications. Modern medicine is amazing and miraculous. Children are amazing and miraculous. The births of both of my children were amazing and miraculous, because truly we almost lost both of them during their pregnancies.

Fourth, I can even say now that I would not trade the experience of losing my first children either, because I would never want to lose that walk with God.

Fifth, I am thankful for the people that I have met and who I have been able to help, as a result of losing our babies, in support groups and community groups like on Organic Gender. Most especially my friend Paula, who was a true friend, and to the friends who have come to me privately when they have lost their pregnancies. Even though those were sad times, I am so thankful that I was able to mourn with them and stand with them in their times of need. I’m so thankful they thought to trust me with their sorrow.

So, to my friends who have lost children, either due to miscarriage or some other circumstance — I am remembering you today. And I am looking forward to that day, in two years, when we will have a baptism to celebrate in our family.

What to Say When She’s Not Expecting

In the past few weeks, I’ve had several friends and family members bring up the subject of miscarriage. Sadly I seem to be the resident know-it-all on pregnancy loss in our family because of my own experiences with miscarriage and infertility.  Over the years I’ve also had many people ask me what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a pregnancy.  It can be an awkward time for the couple who are grieving the loss of a child and awkward for those who want to do something but don’t know what to say or do.  This recent post about miscarriage made me think that other’s might need a some guidance in this area.

 The loss of a child is perhaps one of the single most devastating and sad experiences a family can go thru. In the same vein, when a couple looses a pregnancy similar feelings of sadness and loss are present. Unlike the loss of a child, when a couple experience a miscarriage there are no formal rituals of mourning, no graveside to visit and no pictures by which to remember this child. Many times this couple goes home from the hospital or the doctor’s office with empty arms and a lot of unanswered questions. Continue reading