One of the sad parts of living in a culture that both represses and glorifies sexuality is that you lose very good words like ‘intimacy’ down the drain of wasted, euphemistic meaninglessness. I frequently have need of the word ‘intimacy,’ but always pass it up in favor of something less descriptive, simply to avoid any awkward connotations.
But I’m not feeling so cowardly today.
I’d like to discuss intimacy in its purest sense, suggesting nothing sexual at all, but rather a depth of relationship between two people. I take this word to imply a bond that is rare and also much to be desired. I’ve experienced only a few intimate relationships in my life, but as I ponder them, I become more convinced that there are few things in life as satisfying as such a tie.
Easily the most intimate relationship I’ve ever known is the one I share with my wife. Examining one’s marriage is actually a good way of figuring out what makes a relationship deep. There is an amazing unity of interests (not in the “I’m interested in . . .” sense, but in the “we have no conflicts of interest” sense). There is a comfort level that completely destroys any chance of any awkwardness or uneasy pretense. And there’s also a security strong enough to simultaneously allow confident authenticity and non-catastrophic conflict. It goes without saying, too, that there’s a vast mutual knowledge of the history and tastes and quirks of one’s partner– although I think this element is the least important of the aspects of intimacy.
It’s this depth of feeling that is so natural between spouses that makes marriage such a wonderful, improving experience. But while we may see marriage as instructive on how to build intimacy, I’m not so sure we are justified in viewing it, as we often do, as the sole repository of intensely close relationships.
My other intimate relationships have been deeply fulfilling, but I find them much harder to sustain. Very close-knit relationships with three different mission companions will remain in my mind as very satisfying, but all of them are only memories now. While I am in touch with many old friends, I do not enjoy the closeness with these people that I have at times. For one entire summer of work and play, one friend and I were inseparable, driving around on sales calls in the day and double dates at night. For a few months after my mission, one friend was so important a part of my life that neither of us ever left the apartment without a note detailing where we were and when we’d be back. Both of these people remain friends, but that same intensity is entirely alien now. Even siblings, the most near and dear people one can imagine, ebb and flow in their proximity to one’s life, based on shallow considerations like time and space.
In this fallen world, I take it as a fact of nature that I am incapable of maintaining the deep, soul-sharing relationships that seem to only flare up spontaneously for a few months or years. But as I contemplate how much I cherish my marriage, I wonder why I am not trained to similarly cherish these other relations. Assuming a righteous completion to our lives, my wife’s place in my eternity is certain. Is it odd that I have no idea whether I’ll enjoy similarly deep interactions with others?
While it may not appear so, this is a deeply religious set of questions for me, given my understanding of the individualistic nature of our theology. We know no system of mystically interwoven souls, all one in God forever. If I am saved, I will be saved alone; my wife’s journey will also be solitary. When we arrive, we will be reunited forever, but our roads to that end were in some sense separate. How much more distant are the roads of each of my other loved ones– especially those not sealed to me by any temple-endorsed bond of family.
While it seems we are encouraged to think of our relationships as some of our most important possessions in this life, some of them are eternally honored by God, and some seem to receive his complete indifference. Had David remained true, where would Johnathan figure in his reward? What are friends in the eternities?
Further, what is it in the soul that finds such ultimate joy in being bound to others, but is also incapable of perpetuating the bond? Why, in a gospel based on joy, have I heard nothing in church about the sweetness of my time with those three companions, or those college friends, and how do I arrange them in my mind against what is truly important in the gospel sense? If the power by which our families are forever sealed is Christ’s, does he have some ability to knit our souls with others as well, on whom we have no claim other than genuine friendship?
And the final question: is the soul, like the mind, incapable of holding two thoughts at once? Does a deeply fulfilling marriage come at the cost of abandoning intimacy with all others? If so, is that the soul’s natural state, foreshadowing an eternity of creation in solitude with one’s mate? Or is it simply an artifact of our imperfect state, to be remedied when we are perfected? Can one enjoy intimacy with a spouse, and a slightly inferior intimacy with many others at the same time?
I apologize for the scattered thoughts. If you have any ideas on these themes, I’d love to discuss.
Maybe I’ve just been taught wrong, but eventually everyone will be sealed together- you to your wife, and thus to her parents, and family, and anyone who has married into the family, and thus to that persons family, etc. So, to my understanding, no, you will not be alone with just your spouse, you will be with everyone who shares in exaltation.
What are friends in the eternities indeed. Another question (implicit in your post I think) that I have reflected on: what can we deduce from the spiritual feelings that accompany friend-intimacy? Do things that I felt at the time of one close friendship or another—or that I feel as I remember one of those friendships today—say something about their eternal significance? We assign great spiritual significance to good feelings in other contexts. Should we do the same here?
Joseph Smith said: “Friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of ‘Mormonism’; [it is designed] to revolutionize and civilize the world, and cause wars and contentions to cease and men to become friends and brothers.” I find this reassuring, but I am not sure exactly what to make of it. Part of it seems limited to mortal concerns. Does it say something about the eternities? I hope so.
Bryan, your suggestion is literally true, or at least I’ve heard it before and it makes sense. But I have no idea what that means in practice. It’s impossible to know the level of our associations in the Celestial Kingdom. This I do know: We hear almost nothing about them from the church. Which seems to suggest that even if friendships exist in the eternities, they’re not near as important as our spousal relationships, nor even as important as other family relationships. Now that’s probably as it should be, but the contrast is not a 60-40 proposition. The emphasis is all family, no friends. That’s strange.
Shawn, thanks for those thoughts. You’ve hit directly at the sentiments behind my post. Especially when you speak of the feelings we are trained to associate with good things. Real friendship, the kind that affects you deeply, feels very like some of the other pivotal experiences of the gospel– successful missionary work, parenting, etc. The feelings are different, but they all seem to convey special meaning and have a deep, centering impact. Following your gut, you’d be impelled to include these relationships in the canon of spiritually significant moments– but one doesn’t find that anywhere in the doctrine.
I am aware of similar statements from Joseph on the subject. Always loved how far-reaching and global his proclamations could be. Wish more of those global meanderings had a greater following in the church today.
I think the word intimacy still has a lot of the power. While it often has sexual connotations, the connotations vary with context. Often when I am flipping channels in the afternoon through all the horrid talk shows like Dr. Phil, I notice that they talk about people who are sexually active as having problems with intimacy. The clear thrust is that intimacy involves opening oneself up on an emotional level. One can have sex without being intimate.
Friends. Who needs them? They take up time. They take effort. As if all the family stuff wasn’t enough.
I hope in the eternities that I can be focused almost solely around my wife- having all else at the periphery, including kids, siblings, parents, etc. I would hate to find out that I have to maintain even MORE relationships for eternity. It sounds so exhausting.
I wouldn’t want the term “intimacy” to envelope anyone other than my spouse. I certainly don’t want to be worrying about maintaining other relationships forever, and ever, and EVER, AND EVER.
Clark (No. 4): I recall reading a movie review that, despite the genre, struck me as profound. The reviewer commented on the apparently common practice these days of having sexual intercourse on the first date (or some similar short time after meeting someone). Expressing boredom at the depiction of such purely physical encounters in film, the reviewer said something like: genitals are fungible, while personality, experience, feelings, etc. are not. Impersonal conjunction of genitals is not intimate. Really talking to someone is.
Wow, Jordan…if that’s how you feel about your friends, I’d hate to be your enemy — ya big teddy bear. 🙂
Seriously, interesting post, Ryan. I think there’s certainly a place for eternal friendships, but like you am not sure how it fits into our more obvious roles with our family. Obviously, we’re not sealed to them, but I think that any pure and uplifting bond between two people who both obtain salvation will be carried through to the eternities.
*slight readjustment of attitude + some rest…*
Ahh- never mind. Relationships do take work, but they are worth it in the end.
I had reason to think about friendships this past Sunday. I was teaching my four-year-old daughter’s Primary class, and we sang “Jesus Has Risen”. I went through the words with them to make sure they understood what was being taught by the song. The lyrics go:
Jesus has risen!
Jesus, our friend.
Joy fills our hearts.
He lives again.
Praises we sing to Him
This Eastertime
Jesus has risen
Savior divine.
Jesus has risen
Savior divine.
I asked each of the children if they had a friend. They all answered readily, “Yes.” Then I asked them if Jesus was their friend. They weren’t quite as sure about this, so I tried to explain the ways in which Jesus is our friend. We talk all the time about how Jesus loves us, and is our Savior, but we don’t talk as much of Him as our friend. I think that ultimately, if we are to have true Christlike love, we will have to be true friends to all of the people in our lives, even if those relationships so not persist in the eternities. The fact that some of us will not be with Jesus in the next world does not mean that he is any less our friend in this world.
Your question about human relationships brings up animal relationships.
My Dad often talks about a horse he had as a youth and the bond that they had.
I remember bonding with the family dog as a youth.
No one (yet) on this thread mentioned “families are forever”. I submit that they are NOT.
My brothers and I are sealed to our parents, but not to each other.
Do we have a “sealed in heaven” relationship? (any more than my friend and I)?
I have heard it said that men who are very controlling some even to the extent of wanting to lock their wives away from the world tend to have an inability to be intimate with people. Also, I saw a show about a woman who appeared so perfect who was abusive to her children wanting them to be perfect in every way and mapping out everything in their lives. She was a woman who lived a life where she did much that had the appearance of good but was a deeply troubled person who could not confide in anybody.
When you think how vast the host of heaven are and really how many billions of people are on this planet, you should ponder at the significance of every person who you get a chance to cross paths with in this life. I have lost contact with people who were once special to me. I like to look in my minds eye and see a path where they were someone who I met along the way. Certainly one of Job’s awful trials was the loss of friends.
As I was thinking about this subject, I thought of the scripture of how if a person labored all their days and brought only one soul in heaven how they would have such a fulness of joy. I think that is what it will be like in Heaven seeing people and being filled with gratitude for all the connections that you had here. The same socialization that we know here will continue.
I like how it was said that one does not have to have any pretense with one’s spouse. I am not married, but that is something that I treasure with my friend who I have known for so many years. I can just be me. I also allow her to just be herself. She was one of the few people that did not make me feel like I was annoying when I started being compulsive. I literally had people tell me that I was annoying in those exact words or by other more indirect comments. She had an amazing patience for me and still does. I have also known her at low points as well. She is going through her husband’s second deployment now. Well, I am sure you do not want all the details but I illustrate that there is often a pendalon that swings as to who needs to be there for who. When she has been very low, I have somehow had something to say to cheer her. She told me that I am the only friend that she talks to a long time on the phone or really considers close. I feel sorry for her in that regards because I am seldom able to see her in person and also that I would hope for her to have somebody more able in her life than I.
I do have friends that I have met in the online community that I have developed a certain level of intimacy with as well. I like to think that somewhere sometime that we will meet and just get the chance to thank each other for our friendships. People who do not even know my last name have touched me so much. Hey, maybe I should let them know my last name. Well, it is good to have a level of parania when it comes to such things. 🙂
Hey, you seem pretty cool—to everybody here—-will you be my friend? 🙂 It never hurts to ask!