Mormon Jokes

I admit I’ve never really even been aware of any category of humor that could be called “Mormon Jokes.” To my surprise, I discovered this thread at Times and Seasons, recently re-linked by Adam on this discussion.

Also surprising, I found myself genuinely entertained by many of the jokes offered there. Some of them are actually laugh out loud funny. Can this be true? I’m a little troubled by the fact that I have now laughed at some jokes produced by Mormon culture, which almost always impresses me with its cliched lameness. Maybe I’m getting old.

Anyway, I’m writing now for two reasons: First, go read that thread, there’s some funny stuff there. Second, it’s been a year since that discussion took place, so let’s try to update it. When you’re done there, come back here (very quietly, so as not to alert the poaching police!) and share your own store of Mormon jokes. Sadly, I have none to share myself, probably because, as I’ve already stated, I never knew that these kinds of jokes even existed! (and also because I’m a humorless boor). But hopefully M*’s readers can add a few to the canon.

39 thoughts on “Mormon Jokes

  1. Whoops, looks like we’ve been caught. Readers, try to continue this thread if you can, and if you dare. I’ll try to send comments by code from jail when I get a chance. Goodbye. . .

  2. Actually, the statute of limitations for poaching on the discussion in question has already expired. One full year has passed since the original post went up, and the last comment went up over six months ago. We’re clearly not in violation of any poaching statute I’m aware of. I looked into it before I posted the above. Trust me.

  3. Hey! As the self-appointed authoritarian of the moment, could I take just a second to complain about the latest annoyance in the bloggernacle? Thanks.

    Many people come here to read the substance of these posts, such as they are, and it becomes extremely distracting and, of course, annoying to keep up with all the inside baseball that goes on around here – especially lately with the “you stole my idea!!!” threads.

    Maybe you all don’t have each others’ emails, but too many of these posts have been more appropriate for private email conversations off-line. Let’s spend more time on the substance of why we’re all interested in the Mormon religion, and less on who went to which school and who stole whose idea.

    Sometimes the inside jokes and the kidding around that people want to blog about just aren’t particularly useful.

  4. Well, it’s not exactly a Mormon joke, but it may do:

    A Jewish guy goes to visit his rabbi. The guy says, “Rabbi, rabbi, my son left home and when he came back he was a Christian.” The rabbi says, “Funny you should say that. You’re not going to believe it, but the same thing happened to me, my son left home and when he came back he was a Christian. I decided to ask God what it meant and so I started praying. And I got this response: ‘funny you should say that…’ ”

  5. I agree with BKP’s comment #5. I’m thinking about posting it on T&S and BCC and then referring to it here.

  6. This is more of a one-liner than a real joke, but I found it amusing.

    Definition for excommunication: A 10% raise and another day off.

  7. Agreed, BKP. It can get annoying. But it can be a hard line to walk, given that this is a community, and having continual themes and extended conversations are a natural way of extending and enjoying a community. That said, I can’t say I’ve been highly entertained by the “poaching” conversation. Sorry for belaboring that here.

  8. Perhaps the bloggernacle is scared of the government coming in and regulating–I can’t think of another reason for so much self-regulation. First, the anti-poaching comments and now the anti-anti-poaching and all other inside jokes comments. Maybe a deep breath is in order and then the zen like realization that a little community feel in the bloggernacle might actually be a good thing. However, I do see the point that too much insider jokes and the elistist feeling gets a little thick. But Ryan, I was laughing pretty hard at your poaching jokes (and I’m no isider to the poaching debates).

  9. I think the bloggernacle should formally move to open source/open access for all ideas and posts.

    As for inside jokes, as inside jokes are wont to do, people who don’t get the inside joke feel left out, which then prompts them to post admonishments against posting said inside jokes in the first place.

  10. The whole poaching accusation and discussion rut is getting really old. I was hoping for some good jokes about Mormons.

  11. I thought the fact that we take ourselves so seriously was a Mormon joke. I’m laughing …

  12. “Sometimes the inside jokes and the kidding around that people want to blog about just aren’t particularly useful.”

    …. as opposed to the extremely useful aspects of the bloggernacle, such as?

    Man, weird that you would criticize kidding around on a thread about mormon jokes! It’s like rain on your wedding day!

  13. So where ARE the Mormon jokes on this thread?! It’s false advertising to have a thread entitled “Mormon Jokes”, and then have only one measley joke about excommunication (which was quite funny, actually).

    Here’s my contribution:

    Q: Who puts the leaves back on the trees in the spring time?

    A: The Re-leaf sociaty

  14. In the spirit of all this thread, first:

    I enjoy the inside jokes. As someone who’s not really an insider, but who has been reading T&S, BCC, and M* since their various conceptions (as well as many of the other blogs), it always brings a smile to my face to see these names that have become so familiar to me playing around and making this feel more like a community and less like a strict, rules-obsessed environment.

    And on the subject of joking around, a couple of my favorites.


    What do you get when you play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir backwards?
    Recipes for green jello.

    And second, one of my absolute favorites:

    Two missionaries are biking along a particularly dangerous part of the city when a pair of shots ring out. The first missionary jumps off his bike and ducks for cover; the second is a little too slow, and falls off his bike with a wounded cry.

    “Elder, Elder! Are you okay?” asks the first companion, running to his aid.

    The second groans a bit and pushes himself up off the sidewalk. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his missionary-sized Book of Mormon and, with a weak grin, holds it up. “Nothing,” he replies, “And I mean nothing gets through Second Nephi!”

  15. I think it’s more like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

  16. Thanks to those actually offering jokes. I’m still trying to think of any I know, and will post if I come up with any. Meantime, if you have a Mormon joke– post it!

  17. BKP,

    I am sorry to have annoyed you. I’ll try to never bring it up again.

    That said, here is the only Mormon joke I know, which seems to fit in well given my participation in the discussion that has so annoyed BKP:

    Why do you always take two Mormons fishing with you?

    Because if you take just one he’ll drink all your beer.

  18. It’s like meeting the man of my dreams… and then meeting his beautiful wife. *sigh*

    For Ryan, thread hitler-man:

    It’s Show and Tell day in school, and each kid has to bring something that represents their faith.

    Little Mary walks to the front and says in a very soft voice, “My name is Mary. I’m Catholic, and this is a rosary.”

    Little Isaac walks to the front and says, “My name is Isaac. I’m Jewish and this is a dreidel.”

    Little Nephi walks up and says, “My name is Nephi. I’m LDS and this is a casserole.”

  19. Upon death George learns he has to stop by St. Peter’s office and have a chat prior to entering heaven. He sees others enter, stay a few moments and then proceed through the pearly gates. St. Peter welcomes George and explains he has a few questions. He asks a few simple family questions and then proceeds to ask him about his life. He asks where he went to college. George replies, “Well, BYU of course.” “Hmmm, well sorry George, I’ll give you this packet of papers and ask you to go stand in that long line over there. Someone should get back to you in a couple of months”.

    Maybe not so funny now that we’re no longer attending, but when we went there it was the perfect description.

  20. Okay, guys a humble convert of only 3 years made this up (me), my wife still groans everytime I repeat it to somebody…
    A reporter was interviewing President Gordon B. Hinckley and at the end of the interview asked the following:
    “President Hinckley, I am curious, why is it you do everything you do for the church?”
    He replied,” I do it all for fun and prophet!”

  21. Q: How can you tell when you’re at a Mormon Wedding?
    A: The Bride isn’t pregnant, but one of the mother-in-laws is.

  22. Hah! I remember our old stake Patriarch when I was in middle school getting up to give a talk and starting out with a joke that went something like, “Any of you ever seen a Nephite?”

    The chapel, of course, remained silent. The skinny old man with a whistle like Gopher’s on Winnie-the-Pooh grinned a toothy grin and said, “Well, there’s one behind the pulpit right now!”

    Being 13, it took me a good few minutes to understand it, but I’ve always chuckled. Could just be that it was this particular man saying it that made it funny rather than cheesy, but the chapel — a usually very solemn and dour one, us being in Alabama — burst into laughter.

  23. The bishopric will hold a fireside Sunday @ 7:00 PM

    Topic: What is Hell?

    The choir will be performing. 🙂

  24. Q: What do you call an LDS on LSD?
    A: High Priest

    Q: How many Mormons does it take it change a lightbulb?
    A: Four. One to say opening prayer, one to change the lightbulb, one to say closing prayer and one to bring refreshments.

  25. Q: Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 35?

    A: 36 is just too many.

  26. This is one of my favorits!
    A bishop from washington dies and meets st peter at the pearly gates. Peter takes him on a tour of heaven. They walk down a long hall of doors full of laughter and singing behind them. Finally Peter leads the bishop up a set of stairs and tells him to be very quite. When the Bishop asks why peter says “Because we keep the utah mormons up here and they think they’re the only ones here.”
    This is ONLY a JOKE my utah mormon friends get mad but it is all in jest!

  27. I love it, Rosie, keep em coming.

    Today, I’m going to share that joke all over Wal-Mart.

  28. On May 9, 1930, in Willard, Utah, conjoined twin sons were born to Heber and Emma Hale. They named the son on the right side Michael, and the son on the left side Adam. As Michael and Adam grew and increased in faith, they both found favor in the sight of the Lord. It happened though, that they shared an internal organ and some blood vessels which precluded any separation. With their faith in the Lord, though, they accepted the situation, praised the Lord for the blessings that they had, and lived in fraternal bliss. They went through the priesthood offices together, served a very successsful mission to Scotland together, Michael and his love, Martha, were married for time and all eternity in the Salt Lake Temple, and had a wonderful life together. Adam, Michael, and Martha were congenial and got along very well together. Adam, however, was unfortunate in that every young lady he thought would be a wonderful wife for him had some mental or personality quirk that prevented Michael and Martha from being confident the four of them could live together in harmony. This, of course, left Adam to the fate of being a bachelor. As the brothers lived and grew further in the sight of the Lord, they both went through the ward and stake offices together, eventually became GA’s together, serving the Church and the Lord in great and wondrous ways. However, into each life must come sorrow. On December 21, 2006, their lives were snuffed out together in a vehicle accident late at night on their way home to Ogden from a meeting with all the other GA’s. When they rang the doorchime at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter expressed great surprise at seeing them seeking admission to Heaven so soon. St. Peter explained to Michael and Adam that their mansion in Heaven was not prepared yet, and it would be about three months Earth-time until their mansion was to be ready for eternal residence. St. Peter offered them the privilege of choosing some activity that they might like to occupy their time, now that they were physically and spiritually separated. Michael said that he would like to go back in time a little way and help Father Damian minister to the lepers on Moloka’i, Hawaii. St. Peter snapped his fingers and Michael was wafted away to assist in helping the lepers. When St. Peter asked Adam what he would like to do, Adam explained that he had, of necessity, been a bachelor all his life, so he would now like to be a stud. St. Peter thought about this for about 5 seconds (again, Earthtime), snapped his fingers, and Adam was wafted away. On March 3, 2007 (sorry; again, Earthtime), St Joseph (Patron Saint of Carpenters – along with a long list of other Patron Saint jobs) came to St. Peter and informed him that the mansion for the Hale twins was now ready for occupancy, and that he had gone to Moloka’i and brought Michael back to Heaven and installed him in the mansion, but that he could not find Adam. St. Peter informed St. Joseph that Adam was in Vermont. St. Joseph expressed surprise that Vermont had the destination for Adam, stating that he thought that St. Peter would have found a nicer climate for Adam, since it was still winter in Vermont. St. Peter replied that Vermont was the perfect weather for a stud on a snow tire.

  29. Firstly, that last joke doesn’t even follow mormon religion. We don’t believe in patron saints, or that kind of heaven. Secondly MORMONS ARE WAY COOL!!! DON’T HATE ON MORMONS!!!!

  30. Our stake mission leader related this:

    When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing frisbees, etc. on the missionaries’ field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read “Missionaries Only.”

    The next day, BYU students were out on the field, playing touch football and throwing frisbees. They had posted a new banner which read, “Every member a missionary.”

  31. I have two from JG Kimball:

    “Boys don’t put guns in yer pocket, you might blow yer brains out.”

    ” I won’t go to hell for swearing, because I repent to dam fast.”

    one more for good measure

    AS JG Kimball was crossing the street some car cut him off and he was herd yelling” GD to hell, You S@b. I laugh every time I read it.

Comments are closed.