By the Editors
Feminist Mormon Housewives today takes a huge step in Latter-day Saint gender neutrality: we introduce a new word and ask for its immediate adoption throughout the Church. That word is “wormon,” the beatific contraction of “woman” and “Mormon.”
From this day forward, FMH is asking that all references to “sister” be changed to “wormon.” The correct plural is “wormons.” Sister Beck will be known as “Wormon Beck.” Any Church talk that starts “Brothers and Sisters” should instead be “Brothers and Wormons.”
Remember, fellow sisters wormons, any use of the word “woman” will increase our power as we try to overcome the LDS patriarchy one small step at a time. The title “Ms” changed the world! We are doing the same. Please show this article to your bishop and stake president and let them know that from now on you are a “Wormon,” not a lowly “Sister.”
I haven’t been posting much for quite some time, and it’s time to explain why. Last year I moved to Washington, DC, where I met a fabulous man who is active in the Church and whom I love dearly. But things are a bit tricky because it’s a polygamous marriage. My bishop knows and approves; things are a bit more liberal here in DC. Actually, he is the brother-in-law of one of my sister wives. Small world, eh?
And this brings me to why I’ve not posted much: sister wives take up a lot of time! We don’t all live together (that would be annoying), but we do live in neighboring townhouses. It’s great having these wonderful friends, and it’s great having all these “nieces” and “nephews” to help out with and love. But it takes a lot of time to keep the relationships strong. I know, I should focus more on the relationship with my husband, but between us all (he has 6 wives altogether), I don’t see him as much as I’d hope. But I must not be greedy. Anyway, I really like my sister wives, and I want a good relationship with them, which means time must be invested in visiting and whatnot. We even have our own book club, which is just fabulous. We get together once a week for a big family dinner at rotating homes, there’s the regular school plays and other activities to attend to, and then of course there’s the regular church duties of callings and meetings. Since we all try to be involved with each others activities as much as practical, it adds up to a lot of time.
So that’s why I haven’t been posting much. The days are short and the to-do list is long. But polygamy is great. I can’t wait until the entire Church embraces it again and you all can experience this wonderful doctrine.
A Feminist Mormon Housewife is easy to recognize once you know the signs, so here they are…
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be a Feminist Mormon Housewife…
By Pret Entious
During the twelfth year of my dissertation, I began to discern a need to obviate the subcutaneous abdominal bubbling that was the result of my 12-hour days in front of the computer while I continue to study the dangers of heteronormality in 15th century Nepalese villages.
After three constant months of supplication, my partner-husband Steve Entious-Whipped agreed to release the necessary funds for me to obtain a tumescent liposuction. The results are more than satisfactory: my bubbling has subsided to an acceptable level and I can fit into sweat pants I haven’t been able to wear for several years.
But my liposuction raises a raft of moral conundrums. I am primarily concerned here with the many, many Third World women who because of continued masculine domination are unable to be granted low-cost health care that will allow them to obtain the necessary tumescent liposuctions they so obviously need. Fellow wormons, what can be done to help redirect Church funds for these women? Please comment with specific action plans.
Guest post by Michelle Obama
Note to readers: the first lady has graciously agreed to our offer to guest post for FMH.
Face it ladies [editor: wormons] you can go to an Ivy League school, marry a Rhodes Scholar, have five children, have a scandal-free past, even save the Olympics, but your husband can never be president. Mine is.
But this does not mean you can’t have really toned arms and wear those cute dresses [editor: note that some of them won’t cover your garments] that I get to wear.
My first bit of advice: get to the gym. I went with Barack to a Mormon campaign event once, and all those women [editor: wormons] looked like Mike Huckabee’s wife. I mean, really, just because you’ve had a few kids doesn’t mean you should let yourself go! I only spend 2 to 3 hours a day in the gym, and I’m the First Lady. If I can do it, so can you! Look, everybody knows Mike Huckabee’s a Mormon [editor: Baptist, but you see how because of the Mormon Patriarchy everybody thinks we’re part of the right-wing conspiracy?], but he at least lost some weight! He really needs to get his wife on that same diet, and you can do the same thing!
One last important bit of advice: find a good, non-controversial pastor. Barack and I learned that one the hard way!