Area Men Recover From Annual Mother’s Day Self-Flagellation Rituals

Sometimes the Sugar Beet really pulls through. Some choice excerpts from the post-Mother’s-Day article-

“My mother’s last words to me were, ‘Larry, everyone is a child of God and deserves to be trusted,’” he recalled. “Two hours later, she was shot and killed by criminals disguised as Jehovah’s Witnesses, whom she had invited in for cocoa and homemade cookies. But I’ll never forget that wonderful lesson she taught me about trust. What a saint.”

“The Sackcloth-and-Ashes Quartet, made up of four male ward members, sang a song they wrote themselves called “I’m Just a Stupid Man But Please Allow Me To Worship At The Altar of Motherhood.””

Some of my Sugar Beet favorites are Relief Society Sister Makes Declarative Statement, Man Chastised for Improper Precipitation Reference in Prayer, and Relief Society Attendees Display Apathy to Ignorant Claims.

8 thoughts on “Area Men Recover From Annual Mother’s Day Self-Flagellation Rituals

  1. “Man Chastised for Improper Precipitation Reference in Prayer.” That man is me. All of this gratitude for moisure makes Utahns sound like natives of Arrakis or something. Every time I hear someone praying like that, I’m tempted to go up and like the prayergiver to do my part.

    Of course, I grew up in Eastern Canada. No one there prays for moisure in any form or state; we pray to see the sun every once in a while.

    (Not unlike Utah the last couple of weeks.)

  2. Hey Ben,

    Did I ever mention that you put up really great posts?

    That “Moisture” link is hilarious. I never noticed it in San Diego but when we moved to Arizona last year I started noticing prayers for moisture. I thought they were hoping to get dew on the ground or something at first… Then I realized that moisture must be code-word for rain.

  3. A post of links to the Sugar Beet? Is Millennial Star abandoning its original aim of being a comfortable place for people sometimes unpleased with the Times and Seasons’ tone?

    Remember this:

    Finally, and most importantly, we as a group share the common goal of uplifting and edifying everyone who cares to spend time here. We think you will find a great deal of stimulating conversation on this blog, but we also commit to make that conversation something that will affirm, rather than detract from, faith in the gospel and in the LDS church. While we intend to be completely open to comments of all stripes and from all types (barring hostility, of course) we hope that the tone here will always be one of good-natured, harmonious faithfulness.

  4. John M: I agree that sometimes the Sugar Beet was distasteful, and people draw different lines at where that begins. Hence, I only posted links to a few of my favorite articles, which in my mind use satire to make a legitimate point about LDS foibles. Don’t worry though. Since I’ve now exhausted all my favorite Sugar Beet articles, I don’t have anything else to link to there:)

  5. I miss the old online version of Sugar Beet. They should bring it back. Real life paper just isn’t the same.

    I was just going to link to a bunch of my favorites, but uh, maybe I shouldn’t.

    Let me just point out some of my all-time favorites, the oft overlooked “from our sponser” ads. This one had me laughing for hours, and THIS one had me laughing for weeks.

  6. I love it. I copied off the Mother’s Day one for everybody I know.

    Thanks for the laugh.

Comments are closed.