I’m going to start a petition for an air harvesting law. I mean, really, it’s completely unfair that some people breathe more than I do. They are using inordinate amounts of this precious, limited, natural resource, and I will have none of it. I mean, how can we live in an egalitarian fair society if my neighbor breathes more air than me? We should have an equal share, every one.
Perhaps we could limit it to a certain number of breaths per day, or perhaps by cubic volume would be more precise? We’ll have to determine a reasonable amount of air that is normal for a typical, average, adult individual (by scientific studies which will cost only about $2.1 million in taxpayer dollars), and apply it across the board. Yes, of course we will allow more breathing for certain activities, such as sports, and other physical activities; I mean, we’re not unreasonable people! Hahahaha… (but you will need to get a permit for those places or activities you choose to engage in, and those will be $20 each, which will help recoup the costs of the program).
And there’s the inescapable issue of the oxygen content in that air that will have to be dealt with judiciously by certain detailed sub-regulation. We will compel every household in the state, nay the nation, to install oxygen/carbon dioxide monitors, to determine just how much every citizen is breathing. You can be sure that the monitor manufacturers will lobby heavily in favor of this proposal, so we can count on their undivided support.
If you’re breathing too much, we just may have to fine you, which will also help recoup the costs of the program. Repeated violations may result in us taking away the space you’re breathing in, or even result in arrest. And you better not even think about breathing too much in jail or prison. We won’t even go there; that would simply be unthinkable (but we could consider solitary confinement I suppose, or regulated breathing apparatuses, which will only be another $15-20 million to purchase for the 2013 fiscal year).
Who’s with me on this vital, relevant, and current issue in our society today? Who will sign? Any other critical stipulations we should add to this law?