That’s how I always thought of it too, but I have a different perspective now since my good friend shared a older meaning of the word. I hope my children see strict as loving, compasionate order based on good standards and wholesome family relationships.

Kathy,

You have given great insights. You are right on with your understanding.

This just shows how “strict” can be such a loaded word, as it can mean so many things to different people. For me “strict” makes me think of the yelling and belitting my parents did, and I instantly rebel against that. Yet, I think in your explanation you really hit the nail on the head. A parents creates a environment of love by not yelling or belittling, and the only way to do that (and maintain any kind order) is by being very consistent with a firm set of rules with predetermined consequences. Once the kids know the rules, and what’s going to happen if they break them, then you are freed up to be as supportive and loving as you possibly can be! But, if you don’t have any rules or standards to follow, then nobody knows what’s going on and you have no choice as a parent but to try to quash undesired behavior as it comes up (with or without harsh punishment), like some kind of endless whack-a-mole game, ultimately creating an unstable situation for everyone.

At least that’s how I see it, but I’m still just getting started on this parenting adventure. I’m sure I still have lots to learn.

I think parents need a good plan and sound communication skills from the beginning. They also need to be consistent about lovingly correcting bad behaviors from a very young age, not just after a major problem occurs.

People often get what I call “stage mentality.” They start thinking all behaviors, even definance, are stages. Definace is not a stage it is a disconnection from family and a love of self indulgence.

Geoff, you are right about older teens. If a child has a history of manipulating his environment and being hateful, then by the time he gets to be about 16 or 17 years old he either needs to come to a home like mine, for hard foster youth, for a complete social disconnect, or the parents might just have to wait it out and let him face the consequences. Although both these ideas are options, (accept I don’t actively do foster care anymore)the very best option is to make an environment at home which changes hearts.

I would like to say here that any home can live by the same principles I do. I teach families to make differences in the lives of their children all the time. Changing the culture at home can make a huge difference! Many parents take my seminars and then contact me a month or so later and say that their disconnected child is a happy member of the family again.

Parents can change the vision and structure for the family and get amazing results. If you haven’t seen my show about transforming two very complex British teens you may want to go to http://teachingselfgovernment.com/worlds-strictest-parents-video-part-1_482/ I wish it showed more of the nitty gritty stuff, but they only had one hour.

Things to do to help defiante teens: schedule talk times to build relationship, be real, caring, and humorous, pray together for each other, limit social involvement and excessive computer or television time. These things all feed the selfishness from within.

I hope this was helpful. I feel your pain from having to see good parents struggle with difficult teens. I have lived with many of these kinds of teens. They do still have goodness inside and people can still touch it. It does take patience though. You can’t make a person want to change, but you can love them into that change by having the Spirit in your home and having good communication skills. That is mostly what I teach; communication skills, tone of the home, and understanding what the problems really are.

I agree that parents need to be intuitive about what each child needs, and I also agree that the Spirit is the best teacher in the home. I also DO NOT agree with fear based parenting. I hope I made that clear enough.

good comments!

http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/Ca-0010/default.asp

Nicholeen may have some suggestions, but my experience with kids with conduct disorder is that there is really very little you can do as parents except try to keep them alive until they are 18 and then let them go and suffer the consequences of their actions. The good news is that very, very few kids actually have conduct disorder. Most of them are like the kids in the BBC show who can really make progress if shown another way of living.

I guess the only point of my set of posts here is for parents to be flexible. Each child is different. What works with kid A may fail spectacularly with kid B.

Many friends of mine that grew up in strict families behaved beautifully when they were being watched, but then ran wild when given the chance. Because our morals were based on love, rather than the fear of getting caught, we all grew up just fine. Thanks, brother X.