Yeah, somebody forwarded this to me as well. I think we in the Bloggernacle could think of better reasons to vote for Romney, such as “all White House dinners will now include dish with green Jello.” But people much wittier than I will certainly come up with better suggestions.

Let’s see:

–At inagural balls, everyone would have to dance a Book of Mormon apart.

–State of the Union address would refer to “moisture” instead of “water.”

Hmm, nope. I’m not witty enough, I guess.

Washington’s cherry trees would be dug up and replaced with apricot trees.

Solemn occasions would be marked by a MoMitt of silence.

Over each soldier’s left breast pocket, the letters “US” would be replaced by “God’s”

and please, oh please, could Elder Hezekiah Calhoun become Secretary of State.

These are pretty good.

Please, stop this. In the name of all that is funny.

Gst, I was hoping you would come up with something much better than we have so far. Is this topic not even worth your effort? C’mon, give it the old college try.

Now, Brian D., see what you’ve done?

Here are a few from my website:

Secret Service agents would have dark suits, sunglasses, earpieces, and CTR rings.

The vice presidency would be replaced by first and second councilors.

The US Army War College would study Alma 43 to 63.

WMD would stand for What would Moroni Do?

and

PC would be replaced by MC, or in other words, Molitical Correctness.

Please, somebody help us out here. I know there are funnier reasons to vote for Mitt than these.

I can’t think of anything funnier right now, but I am trying to figure out how Romney would be able to attend the temple if he were president. I mean, how would that be possible? The president has an armed security detail with him everywhere he goes. I guess if the Glocks and Uzis were painted white…

HHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHH! Commission a satellite to “hie to Kolob!” LOLOLLOL HAHAHAHAHHA. That’s my favorite. Three words: “Choose the Romney!”

Yes, Tim S, we know we cannot be as sophisticated and witty as you obviously are. That’s why we’re asking for input. So, for the record, “Choose the Romney” is the wittiest thing you can come up with?

Oh, sorry for the “loud laughter.” I didn’t realize you all were so reverent here. So, at your implicit request, I have come up with several of my own (as found on my Mormonicity blog):

7) Sis. Romney would invite the missionaries over when foreign dignitaries come to visit.

6) All foreign policy statements would begin with “We Believe.”

5) You’d find a Book of Mormon in the nightstand in every guest room (a la Marriott).

4) The Family Proclamation and a picture of the Washington D.C. Temple would adorn the White House foyer walls.

3) Evangelicals would have to start picking on Jevovah’s Witnesses or face government wiretaps.

2) I’m not saying that prominent members of The Church get important callings… but as soon as he moved into the White House, he’d be called to the bishopric of the Capitol Hill Ward.

1) Or the nursery.

Okay. Now we’re warming up.

“All foreign policy statements would begin with “We Believe.” ! I think that may be my favorite so far.

I’m sorry, though, Tim S., but Romney would not be called into the bishopric of the Capitol Hill Ward. As president, he would already be serving as head of the Executive Branch.

Good one, John. That’s the spirit. See, we can get a few chuckles out of this.

Perhaps I’m starting to beat a dead horse here, but there’s also this:

Tax forms would be available on a small wooden rack outside the Oval Office. The attached yellow carbon, of course, would be retained for your records.

No beating dead horses. Romneys are sheep.

If Americans only knew their sheep, Romney’s slogan could be “All we like sheep” with strains of Handel’s music in the background.

You really need to google Romney, go down to the 30th hit, and read some of those lines while thinking of Mitt. For example:

“The present-day American Romney is a product of English, and more recently, New Zealand blood lines . . . .”

“These [Romney] traits include hooves that are resistant to foot rot and fleeces that remain healthy in harsh weather.”

“Demands by consumers for lean cuts of meat from well-muscled carcasses . . . . The American Romney fulfills these needs, and will continue to be increasingly important . . . “

“The Romney fleece is unique . . . . The fleece is lustrous; it hangs in separate locks, with minimal cross fibers between the locks. It is also high yielding and easily spun. Uniformity of crimp from the butt to the tip of a lock is also typical . . . .”

# 12,
Sorry John, but you’re wrong.

All policy statements would start with the words “It must needs be…”

If Mitt takes office, we can do away with these dumb secret ballots and manifest our support of the candidate “by the usual sign”. And we can get rid of costly recounts by simply saying “opposed, if there be any”.

Masrk IV,

Giving credit where it is due, the policy statement line was Tim S’s.

Your new system of balloting would, naturally, include, “And all who can join with us in giving George W. Bush a vote of thanks . . .”

Mark B.

To your google of Romney — That sounds funny. And it came to pass that the google of Romney went forth — to your google of Romney, I refer you to the question posed in Matthew 12:12.

Okay I’ll take a stab:

- No sir, we here at the IRS don’t do audits anymore, we call them PPIs now.

- Oval office, the ‘red’ phone, “Hi President Romney” “Hello President Hinckley”

- Some Random Congressman, “I don’t get it. What is this rider on the President’s balanced budget bill about 10% earmarked for tithes and offerings?”

- Oval Office Secretary: “No, he is not available. Like I said before it’s the last day of the month and President Romney’s home teaching advisor was getting on his case.”

- New check boxes on application for internship forms:
QUALIFICATIONS ()RM ()Current Recommend Holder ()Full 10%
ETHNICITY ()Jew ()Gentile ()Lamanite ()Abrahamic Covenant Adoptee

- Stake President: “Yes Bishop, your new Pennsylvania Avenue Ward only has two callings; Sister Romney as the primary instructor for her kids, and an elder’s quorum instructor for the 250 Secret Service Agents.”

- Head of the Secret Service, “What do you mean all of my agents have to convert, be baptized and get an active temple recommend to provide security at the D.C. temple once a month?!?!!”

and lastly

- Elder’s Quorum President of the Capitol Hill Ward, “Now, listen carefully. This will be good for the both of you. I know you two haven’t gotten along lately and I think the Lord feels this is the best way to handle it. Now Brother Reid and Brother Romney here is your Home Teaching List, please try and get this done as a team and remember it’s almost the end of the month, so get cracking.”

Here are a few:

-The presidential limo would be a black Suburban with a vanity plate: “RU LDS 2?”

-Press conferences would become firesides

-Angel Moroni replaces the presidential seal

cew-smoke

Stab? You nailed it.

I particularly liked the audits would become PPIs idea.

We could have the makings of a book here. “One hundred and one reasons to vote for Mitt Romney, a brief guide to Mormon culture.”

cew-smoke, I liked a few of those. Good job. Your last one on President Romney and Harry Reid doing home teaching together is worth a belly laugh. Thanks.

My Grandma made these up. She is no longer active in the church, but knows the culture pretty well. I don’t care for number 1, but I like the rest of them.

Ten More reasons to vote for a Mormon for President

(besides the fact that Mormons have a great sense of humor)

© Helen H. Gordon, February 2007

1.We could have several first ladies but no more than two ex-wives.

2. Mormon men are accustomed to staying awake in long meetings.

3. Mormon women know how to store food, prepare for emergencies,

stick to a budget; and they could clean up New Orleans in a flash!

4. We could have a choir singing the National Anthem that could

actually reach the high notes.

5. For protection, we could circle the wagons around the Pentagon.

6. We could finance our school systems with taxes on liquor and cigarettes.

7. We could deduct our 50% federal taxes from our 10% tithing.

8. A Mormon President would be able to read plain English, quote
Scripture accurately, and write his own scripts.

9. Presidential speeches would last only 2.5 minutes.

10. The White House would be Green and well irrigated; the

Rose Garden would rejoice and bloom as a desert flower.

Bravo’s to all of you. After a long day at work I needed the giggles and the belly laughs. Thank you all.

Thank you everybody! When I wrote these originally, I only meant for them to be part of a stand-up comedy routine for an Elders Quorum social. We had a few in attendance who were not LDS…and it must have really messed with their minds. Later, a friend asked me to email these to him…so I did and the rest is history. Maybe I can use some of yours for this year’s event!

To see the top 10 as first posted see: http://docviews.blogspot.com/2007/02/comedy-daves-top-ten.html

Tim keeps advertising his blog “Mormonicity” on LDS blogs and it’s actually a list of porn sites.