“Stay-away” Dads
Posted on October 17th, 2005 by Kevin Burtt (The Baron)
“By divine design, fathers are…responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.”
What’s this? Another post parsing the meaning of the Proclamation on the Family? What a dead horse… Well, pardon me if I cast my Level 9 Cleric spell of “Resurrection” on it, just for today…
On a typical day, my wife (”The Baroness”) has the opportunity to watch cartoons with our kids, go to the park and relax under a tree while our oldest runs around and plays, or take them on leisurely walks around the neighborhood, chatting with neighbors along the way.
I don’t have this opportunity… I ‘get’ to work from 7-5 each day struggling with technical documents, communication protocols, thousands and thousands of lines of code, and software systems that consistently refuse to do what they’re told.
(Now, keep in mind, I like my job. Really. But it doesn’t mean I’d be doing it if we didn’t need the money…)
Most of the discussion of gender roles and the Proclamation concerns the burden of women who are ‘obligated’ to be stay-at-home moms at the expense of outside work. Not much has been said about how the proclamation does the exact opposite to men–telling them, essentially, to “stay away”. Am I the only one who thinks that it’s not quite that obvious that women are the ones getting the short end of the stick, here?
My wife has a college degree, same as me. As it happens our respective choices as far as working arrangment are tempered by the following facts:
(1) She’s the only one who gets pregnant
(2) She’s the only one who can breastfeed our babies
(3) The difference in salary between her best available job using her degree and mine numbers in the tens of thousands.
With those facts in mind, the optimal division of labor between us is fairly straight-forward. If the guidelines expressed in the Proclamation are limiting, they are limiting to both of us. I really have no reasonable argument given our circumstances to be a stay-at-home dad and have “The Baroness” work outside of the home. The Proclamation tells me to ’stay away’, and I don’t see how being a man brings me any additional flexibility in my assigned family role than it does to my wife. (If both of us were unemployed and had no money, upon who would the pressure to ‘get off your butt and get a job’ lie? Not her…)
In the priesthood session of the just concluded General Conference, Elder Bednar said that “as important as…occupations can be, they do not define who we are“. Identity is not defined by what we do for a living (if anything). I work with computers, but that is not who I am. My wife is who she is whether she has a paying job or not. In my tribute to Sister Hinckley last year, I noted that her identity–to her family and to the Church at large–was not defined or limited by what job she had early in life (I’ll bet no one knows without looking it up what she did before she had her first child…) My job pays the bills, but means nothing from an eternal perspective, and no one will remember me for what I did in the office 100 years from now. Neither would my wife be remembered 100 years from now through her career whether she picked it up again or not… Any ‘immortality’ we gain is through our families, and it must be said that per her role in the family, “The Baroness” has a much larger part in the lives of my children than I do.
Such is the burden of the ’stay-away’ dad, and although men in general are not usually recipients of sympathy from others, it must be said that unless you REALLY, REALLY like your job, our roles in life are not necessarily any more meaningful and liberating than our spousal counterparts despite what conventional wisdom seems to suggest…
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14 Responses to ““Stay-away” Dads”
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Agreed–I think you articulate this well, although I would guess that your wifes’ work is a little more varied than taking walks. I do think it is appropriate for people to view their jobs as a practical necessity rather than as an identity. Perhaps some stay-at-home moms crave the variety (meaning, diffeerent from what you do in the evening or on weekends) or respect of a paying job some of the time, but probably, if it came right down to it, many would admit that they are where they like it and recognize the eternal worth of their professions. Most jobs you get paid for, as you mentioned, do not have eternal worth, and I think that would be a difficult reality with which to grapple.
I wish everyone had this perspective you discuss, but I do think some working people fall into a trap of valuing the thing they spend the most waking hours on, even if that job is relatively valueless.
True, I kind of cherry-picked the nicer aspects of motherhood–but, as she said yesterday when I was composing this post, she’s really not all that envious of me and my responsibilities in life…
Kevin, I think your job means something on an eternal perspective. I often think about my husband out in the salt mines while I am here holding down the fort. His job had provided me and the kids with security and the very necessities of life so we can go on and find ourselves.
I appreciate that part of being married. I’m like your wife, I don’t envy him being a man at all. I think men have the hard part. I get to cry and throw tantrums and cuss and be weak and be taken care of. And nobody thinks that’s unwomanly. If a man does that, well, it just doesn’t work for me.
I think it’s all good.
I think the division of labor makes a lot of sense. As you say, even today given the sexisms that still exist in our society. But far more so prior to the 1940’s and the increased technology for doing house chores.
The interesting question becomes how increasing technology changes this. Clearly house work and child care takes less and less work and specialized biology every year. Look at bottles and electric pumps, for instance, not to mention ever improving formulas. (And yeah I know breast feeding is better than formula - but the contrast current formula with what was available in the 1970’s)
One should also note that how pregnancy affects women varies from person to person. I’ve know people running around full bore up to the week of their pregnancy. Whereas my wife was pretty thrashed starting around month 5. So we have to be careful not to judge.
While I agree with your main point, Kevin, I’m not sure how far I can go with the idea that one’s identity isn’t wrapped up in what one does. I never thought it would be that way for me, but in subtle ways, my work, education, and career have begun to affect how I think of, and represent myself. It’s no doubt the same for my wife. In fact, I think she’d be quite a different person, on more than just a superficial level, if she was working somewhere outside our home right now.
Perhaps this is taking the definition of ‘identity’ to a less general level than you’d wanted, but I do think identity has a lot to do with our major expenditures of time. How does this affect your central point? By illustrating that a woman who stays at home does give up on ‘being’ somebody she might be by heading out in the workplace. And the converse is true for men. The result being that there’s more at stake than just 1) division of labor or 2) missing out on the leisure or fun or challenges or whatever that the other spouse is having.
I tend to agree with Ryan. While my habitual acts (mainly work) doesn’t define me, I think it’s a fairly crucial aspect of who I am. And I can understand women getting upset by being with small children all day and having that almost de facto defining them. It doesn’t need to, as you point out. However the question then becomes, how do we avoid making it define them?
I think making sure that your wife at least as the option of doing something once a week outside of the home. (They may not wish to, but I think it important to offer) I also think most men really could contribute far more to the home. Yes there’s all sorts of issues like wives having particular ways they want things done. But I think taking care of the kids more is something all men could do. (And of course there are things the other way wives can do to help men)
But I definitely agree with you that ultimately what we’ll remember isn’t necessarily our work but our families. But dealing with our families is often wrapped up in our jobs. So it can be a difficult balancing act.
Wow, once a week - how generous.
(I know your just generalizing, but, I just started laughing when I read that…)
Well, maybe you’re family is different, but for me that’s a lot and hard to do. I rarely have once a week to myself in the evening. Just getting in a date night with all the responsibilities and kids can be pretty hard. I’m sure it’s easier once they are a little older. I’m frankly shocked at how little free time I have now. I used to climb for two hours most nights, go to the gym or hike for an other hour or so. Now I’m lucky if I get in a few workouts and I just rarely have time with the guys. Pretty shocking and I suspect a bit of a sacrifice for some people. (I don’t consider it that)
I have mentioned this very point in a couple bloggernacle discussions on the role of women. I think that if I want my husband to respect my role as a SAHM, and support me in its advantages and its challenges, I need to be equally respectful of his burdens and what he “gives up” in order to be the sole provider.
My dad worked the midnight to 8 shift so we saw a lot of him. As a second job in Summer months, he painted houses and would often take us along which was good when we were young. He also coached us in sports too. So while my dad was a workaholic most likely by most people’s standards, we saw a lot of him. However, he went on very little sleep and I think that took a huge toll on him. As great as it was to spend quality time with dad when I was in my youth(when he was nice), I most grateful that his hard work allowed my mom to be a stay at home mom during my forminative years.
Level 9 Cleric spell of “Resurrection”
LOL I didn’t notice that before. Hmmm, my EQ cleric didn’t have Res that early. Is it EQ2?
Actually, it’s D&D…but even then I’m not sure of the level because I didn’t have a D&D Player’s Handbook handy.
The Proclamation doesn’t say “stay away”; it says “provide.” I think a lot of family unity and strength could be created and preserved if fewer of us mixed the two up.
Sorry, all, for the unrelated comment - Amy Merrill, hello!!! Congratulations! I was at Neal’s last weekend and Chris came over to hang out. I’m thrilled for you both. And I agree with what you said in your post.