The Karen Carpenter Conspiracy
Posted on March 31st, 2005 by D. Bell
Do you believe in conspiracies? I do. And I think I just unearthed a really, really big one. Prepare to have the foundations of your faith rocked.
I was home in Utah a few weeks ago. While there I decided to download some of my siblings’ CDs onto my iTunes. I’m not sure why I did this, actually. I think I have fairly catholic musical interests, but most of the stuff I got from them isn’t to my liking. Or even in the zip code of my liking. Or even within the bounds of good taste, really. Ryan, for example, has the musical taste of a 45 year-old, single, angry woman; he prefers women artists that sing depressing, sad, long songs about depressing, sad things. I had to check myself into the psych ward after listening to the last Shawn Colvin CD. I also use it to calm angry dogs on my block.
I didn’t fare much better with my little sister Eliza’s music (although I have to admit that I looooooooove her bootlegged ABBA’s “Gold” CD that I bought for her in some random bazaar in Peru). As I was wading through (and deleting most of) this dreck, I listened to her copy of The Carpenters’ “Love Songs” album. Prior to listening to this album, the only song of the Carpenters with which I was familiar was “(They Long To Be) Close To You,” which I kind of liked; so, my expectations were a little higher than with most of the other stuff I’d listened to.
You can imagine my surprise, then, when I was overwhelmed with a familiar feeling of dread and rage and revulsion I hadn’t experienced for quite some time. It took me a little time to figure out when I had last experienced this feeling, and why listening to The Carpenters brought it with such force to my mind and heart. And then it hit me: church music. I remembered endless Sundays as a child, walking through my family room and hearing all the crappy, sappy songs from Church movies and seminary soundtracks and EFY albums and Church pop/inspirational groups.
The style of The Carpenters was undeniably similar to that of Church music ranging from “I’ll Build You A Rainbow” to the songs of Afterglow. The similarities were simply too striking to pass off as coincidence. But how to explain the connection? Karen Carpenter has been dead for years.
OR HAS SHE???!!!!!!
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16 Responses to “The Karen Carpenter Conspiracy”
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This style of music was popular during the late 70s and early 80s, in many more venues than just church songs. It is a reflection of the era. Church pop music tends to copy whatever the styles of the time are. Look at Jericho Road, for example…
Check out this familiar picture of the Afterglow duo. http://deseretbook.com/store/product?product_id=100003896
Dump a few pounds off the guy on the right, give him long hair. Oh Yea Baby–that’s Karen alright! No doubt!! Right down to the cheesy smile!
To really drive my point home. Check out these pictures of Karen: http://www.hotshotdigital.com/WellAlwaysRemember.2/KarenCarpenterBio.html
The similarity is downright eery!!
You’re hunch is more accurate than you realize. Lyndsi Housekeeper, one of the emerging stars on the LDS pop scene, started her musical career with a privately-produced tape of Carpenter covers. Her impersonation of Karen was eerily spot-on, from the tone quality, to the enunciation, to the vocal inflection. I mean it was seriously indiscernible from the real Karen. What’s more, like Karen, she played the drums!
Alas, she’s moved on from the Carpenter tribute act these days. But when she did her Karen, I swear she was channeling.
Sweeeeet Members Only jackets on those manly men of Afterglow… (How did they get away with a name like that? My high school biology book said “afterglow” means something…)
What does it mean?
Uh… I just checked your bio and it says you’re not married yet, Davis… So I can’t tell you…
The Carpenters were the Air Supply of the 70s. Awful stuff, really.
Davis, afterglow is when a chick wants to cuddle with you following intimacy (if you’re good, that is)
Arturo, please see the first paragraph of the currently topmost post on the front page. And please stop dragging the word “intimacy” through the mud of sexual euphemism! (note:weird coincidence to put up that post and then see your comment here).
I thought it was funny, too. I submitted my comment before I noticed the new post on intimacy. Please allow me to rephrase:
Davis, afterglow is when a chick wants to cuddle with you after you have sexual relations with that woman (if you’re good, that is).
I remember, back when I was a clueless, hardly ever dated RM, a girl wrote me a note that said “why do birds suddenly appear whenever you near?”
I had never, ever heard that Carpenter’s song and had no idea what she was refferring to. I asumed she was mocking me (as in high school, where I must have been the only guy to be turned down 12 times in a row at a Chrurch dance! - at least I was persistent).
So I sent her a note saying “I guess they want to poop on me?”
Later, I found out a lot of women were mad at me, assuming I was deliberately mocking her.
But honestly, I had never heard the song!
Nice Ivan. You were apparently smooooove back in the day. I had that Mel Brooks spoof of Hitchcock’s The Birds replay in my head as a result of your comment though, so thanks!
Ivan Woolfe, I rarely respond on blogs, but your post is the one true out loud laugh I’ve had in a long time. Knowing the female sex’s devotion to that song, you certainly did make a lot of them mad. Cheers to you.
I hate to post just to say this, but the foregoing comment is by a different Greg. And his comment would not be true for me, as I was very, very recently laughing (or something) while picturing Clark lose approximately ten thousand dollars because he is so distracted by his date (twice!!). Oh my.
In the light of the morning, I realize that my comment was not only grammatically incorrect, but that it sounds mean. It wasn’t intended that way; Clark’s comment just caught me off-guard.