Preparing our Children
Posted on February 27th, 2005 by Clark Goble
The lesson we have this week for Teachings for our Times is an interesting one. The Stake Presidency picked a talk by the Presiding Bishopric rather than one of the Apostles or the Prophet. That’s quite unusual. (To be honest, in our stake, almost all the lessons are talks by Pres. Hinkley). The lesson was a good one though. It was on preparing our children. It is also something that the Presiding Bishoric certainly is concerned with. Part of the lesson is a warning against materialism. But the real thrust of the lesson is that we as a people are often so concerned with preparing our children to “get ahead” and to be happy in the short term, that we forget their long term progression.
It’s an easy to observe pattern. Around here in Utah there is almost a stereotype about LDS families that are well off who get their kids so much that the kids never learn how to work. Never learn how to sacrifice. Never learn how to ignore short term desires or happiness for long term blessings. Instead the kids are given their own car while still in high school. They are given snowmobiles, ATVs, and other such things. They have in their homes big screen TVs, expensive furniture and all the things needed to make life easy.
The problem is that life isn’t about having it easy. It is about learning, overcoming ones flaws, becoming better and better as people. And it isn’t just rich families that often make this mistake. Even regular families can try to help their children through potentially growing experiences too much. They can want to be their children’s friends more than their parents.
It simply is extremely important to teach children the value of sacrifice, the importance of self-discipline, and learn obedience as well. That latter one is the one I notice so much. So many parents of young children are afraid to do anything that will enrage or make the child cry. So they let the kid run around with no discipline, all the while complaining to everyone else how their kid won’t behave. The problem is that the lack of structure and boundaries will affect the kid’s development. And, having met many adults who never learned structure, boundaries, or discipline, I know what effect it will have in the future.
Of course it isn’t that simple. According to one book on childhood neurological development I read, something like 50% of your personality is genetic. Presumably at least part of our personality is from our spirit nature. But that still leaves a lot for the parent to attempt to mold. And yes, even great parents can have kids with problems, just like poor parents can have kids that turn out wonderfully. But in a way we provide the opportunities for children. At a certain point in their lives, your children won’t be thanking you for toys they hardly remember, but for the opportunities and development you provided them. It might not be until they are into their 30’s. But it will happen.
» Filed Under Any
Comments
10 Responses to “Preparing our Children”
Leave a Reply
I heard of a study done where the researchers decided to take away the fence around a playground in an effort to give the children more freedom. What they found was that the children only played in the center of the playground, they didn’t feel safe and secure wandering further out. Once the fence was replaced the children would play all the way to the fence as they had before. Boundaries are necessary in parenting to give our children the security that they need to grow and thrive. They’ll test the limits, but they need to know that they are there.
It’s a symptom, not necessarily of wealth, but of modern life, that kids don’t have the responsibilities they did back in the “old days.” For any new parents I highly recommend the book, Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World. It addresses these very problems and offers some good remedies.
I disagree with the premise that we don’t try to prepare our children for the future. I think a lot of Mormons take the fun out their childrens’ lives by jamming the Celestial Kingdom down their throats. I did. I see a lot of young parents trying so hard to do the checklist that they have no clue who or what their children are like inside. Nor do they care. Only do they care if they make them look like good parents by doing everything right.
Sister Hinckley writes about making sure her children had lots of time to lay around “in the hollow” to look at bugs and grow up relaxed. That’s not a bad thing. I’m with her.
Anne, I think it goes both ways. We’ve all known what I can only call “quack parents” with far too many rules, too strict an interpretation of ethics and theology, and who try to force too many hobbies and skills onto their kids. They don’t let them just be kids. Usually these kids end up pretty dysfunctional as adults.
The fact is that children playing as children is an important part of neurological development. Further it helps them come to understand social relations. Also parents who try to relive their youth through their children are being quite selfish.
The point is that we are here to help our children learn and develop. Part of developing is learning to make mistakes and learning to take on responsibility for thinking. I’m often recalled to D&C 58:27-29 where we are told we are agents and ought anxiously be engaged in good causes and not be commanded in all things.
I think that in many ways being a parent involves looking towards the Lord and seeing how he treats us.
Dave P. -
It’s a symptom, not necessarily of wealth, but of modern life
Well, I think that’s because in modern life, we are so much wealthier than past generations. My grandfather and father grew up very poorly, but they learned a great work ethic - because if you have to work all the time in order to avoid starvation, then you learn to work.
My father taught high school, but even though he didn’t really need the money (though extra money is always nice), he started a small landscaping business in order teach his children how to work.
What I see too often though is parents who work very hard, reach a decent middle class or upper class lifestyle and then make sure their kids never have to work.
I’m guessing that the talk that Clark’s SP assigned was the one by Bishop H. David Burton from last conference (one of my favorites - I’m not surprised at all that they would choose that one… :)).
Bishop Burton talked about how the conventional wisdom today is that “more is better”. More TVs, more hobbies, more playtime, and as Annegb pointed out, in some cases more rules and higher expectations.
However, as important as Clark’s point is, it was one of Bishop Burton’s secondary points. The thrust of his talk was that we should seek more holiness, be more like the Savior in all that we do. He suggests that one way to become more like the Savior - and especially, teach our children to better understand the Savior - is to serve more (for example, the service of churchmembers during the hurricane season in Florida).
I agree with Clark that one important facet of raising good kids, including ones who emerge from the teenage years with a strong testimony, is to teach them to “go without”, and eschew the rampant materialism and self-indulgence preached in the media today.
Clark also mentions a curious characteristic of Utah Mormons, which is that there does seem to be a tendency to live luxuriously, rather than living within their means. In other parts of the country, families don’t seem to be extending themselves on credit as much as in Utah. So, I wonder if the indulgence of the children is not just a symptom of a larger problem extant in the parents?
From my experience, I suspect there are many more indulgent parents than “quack parents”, and even more apathetic parents than indulgent ones. On balance, Bishop Burton’s comments seem like good counsel to the majority of parents, the apathetic and indulgent ones, but does not encourage them to become more “quack”. The Bishop does not suggest that parents should arbitrarily withhold opportunities or playtime, simply that parents should not shower profligate rewards on irresponsible and lazy children.
That was the one, and you are right that the main focus was on holiness. We had an other talk combined with it. So I was just picking out one of the points of my lesson to write about. (I figured I’d bore you all if I gave the whole thing) Funny story - I got to church and it was Ward Conference so there were a bunch of high councilmen giving talks in priesthood. Then I found out they’re changing our lesson manual for next month. So I may never end up giving the lesson. (grin)
Anne, I think what your read about Sis. Hinkley’s approach supports what Clark is saying. Rather than showering her children with material possessions, she made sure they were out enjoying the natural joys and beauties. How many kids who have a gameboy or playstation or whatever the newest craze is are going outside to enjoy bugs? From what I’ve read the Hinkleys also expected their children to work and be responsible. I agree it’s hard to find that balance, but it is possible to teach and expect work while also allowing our kids time to just be kids.
Jim, are you related to Bishop Burton? Your smiley face after your endorsement made me wonder?
Oh, goodness, no!
I am absolutely nobody.
(although, like Bishop Burton, I probably don’t smile as often as I could when I speak in church, contrary to what my irresponsible use of smileys might suggest).
Sorry, Jim — I didn’t mean to embarrass you, just misread your smiley face. I re-read your statement and I don’t know why I thought that.
Too bad we don’t have some sort of emoticon system rigged into our pulpits